Saturday, July 24, 2010

Dana: July 27.... - July 29, 2009

Yellow Rose
"friendship" ...or "farewell".

Just a warning...
Today is my cancer rant.  I don't feel like being rational or sensitive.  I know I'm not the only one that's dealt with this... but right now, all I know is that she's gone.

Life can sting.  It can be bitter and hard and cold and brutal.

It's so complicated sometimes... shouldn't it be simple?  I always thought so.  It's too freaking short to be so complicated.  Maybe I'm the one that makes it complicated...
Hell, I don't know anymore. 

When my brother died and left a 6 month-old baby girl, I realized just how damn short life is....  and how stupidly unfair it can be.  He inspired me to live my life with more passion, and to be happy... not just endure a miserable existence. 

My best friend of 20 years died a year ago.  I just now watched the memorial video.  ...guess it took awhile, huh? 
I just couldn't bear to...
Maybe because I couldn't afford to go to the funeral, she died two weeks after I moved to AZ.  ...I had no means of going back.  My ex wouldn't even help with the airfare miles he owed me... you might not believe he'd do that, and think I just sound bitter... but it's true.  He had the means ...but he really did that.  I try so hard to not hate anyone... but he made it hard that day.

Best friends aren't supposed to die.  Cancer sucks.  I hate it. I hate cancer.  I hate cancer walks and cancer runs and cancer bumper stickers and cancer treatment...and stupid ass pink ribbons.  They just make me think of women who have been traumatized by losing a breast... that ribbon looks like a pink hollow breast to me. A scar.  A loss.  Stolen dignity. 
...or a shiny bald pink  magnet.  I don't see it as a symbol of hope, but one of despair and dread and ...suffering.  I'm not sure the billions of dollars put into pharmaceutical companies is making a difference iin finding a cure.  Maybe more of that money should go to help pay the ridiculous medical bills families are left with.

There is NO cure for cancer.  Treatment just makes you sick... then you die sick... or you live knowing you're gonna die sick.  Seems to me that the human spirit is stronger than chemo anyway.

AND I really don't like when people who come over in the name of praying for you...  say in their prayers that it's God's will...or they've given up because it's inevitable... so we should just be OK with it and accept it.  I don't like it when someone thinks they know God on that level... and steals the hope right out from under you.  I love God... but I'm not him and don't claim to be him or understand this stuff.  I have peace about her... but I'm sick to death of Christian bullshit.  Be human and real, or leave me alone.... and leave my friend alone.

I would have stayed in Texas.  I wouldn't have moved.  We knew she'd make it... that she'd be here this summer to see my desert...and go all the places we talked about.  That her and her husband would take that m/c ride 'cross country....

When she couldn't get out we watched cowboy movies dammit ...and ate Taco Bell crappy food.... and we laughed and drank REAL Coke...and Sonic sodas, and ate dessert.  Even when she hurt... she still wanted to laugh.  When people think you're dying... they stop laughing around you sometimes... but she loved to laugh, and so we did.
Dammit, we only cried one time.  ...and we didn't mean to.  We were both mad about that.  ...because we KNEW she'd make it.  ...but we figured only crying once was pretty dang good for girls.

She was the best, sweetest, kindest, most genuine and giving person I have or ever will know.  We shared a lot of our lives together, raised our kids together.   We actually had 4 hour lunches when we got out  ...because you can tell your best friends anything, and time just disappears when you're together.  She was a friend like that.  I could trust her with anything.

I miss her so much.  

Life hurts so bad, sometimes.  The last few years have been hard.  July has sucked royally.  I can't wait for it to end.  I don't even know if I'll post until it's over.  I've just had enough.  enough already.

Maybe I shouldn't post this... but I needed to.
...and she deserves my tears. 

I think I'll go buy some yellow roses tomorrow ....she'd like that.
I love you Dana...and I miss your friendship more than I can bear.
I don't sound like it right now... but I'm so much better for having known you.


Coffeypot said...

Well said, Wrexie. Everyone needs to vent sometimes and you certainly deserve this one. You are right in you last comment, too. Having her friendship for a short time is better than never having known her, and she helped make you a better person. I wish you had posted a picture to honor her beauty, but that, too, is just for you to enjoy. I admire your anger, too. You are a class lady.

ain't for city gals said...

You are right..about a couple of things...cancer absolutely positively sucks big time...I hate the pink ribbons the cancer walks the hope is a big money making business...i got turned off on the walks when they said you have to raise a min of $2,300 before they let that is BS..on the religion things..true...who do people think they talk for a an act of random kindness if you want but don't take the easy way out and say "I'll keep you in my prayers"...I'm venting now but girl did you touch on some personal stuff for me...Stay strong and carry on...and watch out for those snakes! Hope to meet you one day..

Wrexie said...

I didn't realize how angry I was until I began writing. It really does help to write and vent sometimes.

Thank you both for your responses... they helped as well, and I appreciate your concern. :)
It made the day a little easier.