Sheriff's Report: Things you probably don't read in your papers

3:00 PM  PD advised of an injured female illegal immigrant, 25 years of age, who was stranded at the top of ****** Canyon and ******* Trail.  Search and Rescue sent 8 personnel to assist in the rescue which they completed at approximately 8:00 pm.  The woman suffered cuts and bruises as well as a possible broken ankle.
(I don't even want to comment... the illegal problem is so out of control)

4:14 PM A male subject fell approximately 15 feet down the *** Canyon Waterfall. He was airlifted to Tucson for evaluation.
(I was just up there and can see why over 80 deaths have occurred.  Guess no one reads the danger signs or notices the fence put there to keep people out of the falls area...)



Now the funny ones...
5:58 AM PR adv someone stole parts and wires to his well leaving him with no water.
(I'm guessing he's on a well-share and didn't pay his dues)

9:12 AM PR states the subject that is fixing the roadway is stealing dirt...
(dirty thief)

2:18 PM about 4 cows in rd fence is down
(bovine breakout)

4:09 PM PR states she has a rattle snake on her back porch.
(guess she doesn't have a shovel...or didn't want to mess up her porch with a shotgun)

5:10 PM PR req officer contact her ref information on what she can do about a male...
(welll, ummm....)

7:25 PM PR adv his next door neighbor was riding his dirt bike up and down the road
(so it wasn't a dirt road, or what?)

7:44 PM PR states there is a cow in the road on ghost town trl road. He states he isn't...
(didn't know cows could talk...)

8:07 AM PR states a large stray brown dog attacked his chickens
(just tryin to eat healthy...)

11:26 AM PR adv an RV was taken from this property and a barn was taken....
(a barn?)
12:07 PM PR states there are two head of cattle out in the roadway
(better than 2 heads...)

1:29 PM PR called to advised that****** ******* has been drinking....
(oh geeze, again?)

1:39 PM PR advising there are 3 bulls on ******* Rd just south of the bridge that keep...
(that keep what? BS-ing?)

4:03 PM PR states that there is that there is a bunch of cattle in the rd on the bend
(sounds like a kids memory song.. "there's a cow on the road in the bend by the fork under the bridge..chewing it's cud...)

4:53 PM PR states that she is out with a horse at the given address. Req assistance
(maybe she shouldn't be going out with horses??
)
6:35 PM PR states that there is a calf on the rd
(I hope it's a small cow and not a leg...)



1:04 AM PR states his mother has "lost her mind"
(he may have been the cause.. darn kids)

3:48 AM PR states his daugther's boyfriend, Casper, will not leave the premises...
(hmm..maybe he's a ghost...)

5:51 AM Report of two horses in the road
(they're probably protesting... they want open range like the cattle have)

11:10 AM PR adv of subject speeding in the area in an off road racing dune bugging type
(racing is the key word here... oh my...they might be having fun)

5:48 PM adv cow on Purdy lane at the second culvert
(maybe it was just a "purdy" cow?)

6:45AM Black and white pig and beagle walking down the road
(I wish there was a picture of this one...)

7:01 PM PR states (his neighbor) was threatening to kill his rooster
(I can relate...actually, it's what's for dinner..)

10:35 PM Intoxicated person refusing to be seen at the hospital and now is hanging...
I'll leave you "hanging" with that...


I was reading these laughing... but then I got pulled over this week by the Sheriff's Dept and was hoping I didn't make the paper:

CA plates on my rental car.  Speeding a wee bit...  pass a sheriff.... a hasty u-turn---pretty lights---


Smiling jolly cop asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"  I said "no", but it is a rental car. (meaning I'm not used to it...) 

He said to my son, (who is in the back seat with his friend because THEY missed the bus and I had to go get them from work),  "Is she your mom?" 

(son claims me...and doesn't turn me in as a kidnapper from CA or something...friend sitting next to him just tries to hold back laughter...) 

Then he looks at me and says, "So rental cars don't have speedometers?"  (kids are snorting out their noses)

I had to laugh too...

He turned to the boys and said with a big shiteatin grin,  "Have fun giving your mom a hard time over this later... just do it respectfully, boys."  (gee thanks mr sheriff)

"Ma'am, is there anything I need to know about before I run your liscense?  Any recent tickets?"

(son's snorting again...)

Me:  "Uhhh... well actually, I have one on there for speeding... but I did pay it."  

*BIG SMILE*  "So, you've had your ticket for the year???"

.... and he goes back to his car only to return with a state-trooper face.

"Ma'am?  Do you have a current insurance card?"

oh crap...
 
"Current?  You like the current ones, eh?"  ..."Well, actually, YES I do, I have it right here."

I hand him my insurance card.

He becomes jolly-sheriff again and tells me they are just trying to slow people down now that school has started.  

I can't help but mention the cause of my trip being that these snorting boys in the back seat missed the bus... but I will learn how to use the cruise-control on my rental and slow it down...

He laughed and told me to have a nice day.. and smiled a "have-fun-with-it-boys" smile to the kids.

Why do they pick on me??  

Chicken Saddles

Nope.  I'm not kidding.

There is such a thing as a chicken saddle.  I laughed myself sick yesterday evening when I found out.  

Then this:

She has an old t-shirt on.  With little wing-holes. To protect her from ROOSTERS.  

You see, apparently she is the hot chick in the flock.  So hot, her wings have had the feathers worn off them. Then the other hens (mostly the red-heads) pick at her feather-less spots and make them worse. But the roosters still think she's hot... so, 'round and 'round they go.

So now I have to use the pattern found on the internet to make a real chicken protector/saddle thingy before she's bald because apparently there are lots of hot chicks that have rooster and jealous hen problems. 

Seems like calling it a saddle is just wrong though.   

OK. Stop laughing now.  I dare you....

The Evolution of the Sphinx

Smokey Bear

I think he should at least have a 4-wheeler, not a bicycle.

Where does he keep his fire extinguisher?

Poor Smokey, works for the government..

(He does have a nice shiny belt buckle for his service though)

fRiDaY fUNnY

My dog,Bolt posted this picture...

(I think she has issues with my driving.)



Cows with guns?

Have you head the song, "Cows with Guns"?

As I drove by the hay field this morning and saw the cows out there freezing their burgers off...(it was 16 degrees this morning) I remembered this song I heard once... it cracks me up. 

(I know, I know...I'm easily entertained! haha)

The calves all seemed to have survived the extra-hungry coyote hunt last night.

So I wondered...

Do cows have guns?

Mandatory sign to be posted at all coyote crossings 

-Sheriff Angus

Now I know why bars don't serve peanuts anymore...

Two peanuts walk into a bar.

One was a salted.

Puzzling Questions

1. Why DID the chicken cross the road?

2.  Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

3.  If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

4.  Why is chili so hot?

5.  Why do people think that swaying their arm back and forth would change the direction of a bowling ball?

6.  If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

7.  Why do we call streets parkways?   And park in driveways?

8.  Why do people use their hands to explain something when they're talking on the phone?

9.  Do cops tell a deaf person they have the right to remain silent? 

10.  If someone raised monkeys long enough... would they eventually have little cave men?

11.  If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

12.  What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant....

13. Why do we do things exactly like our mom did, even if we don't know why?

14.  If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, do girls with one leg work at IHop?

15.  Why do toasters have a burn setting?  Who uses that?

16.  What is grape flavor made from? ...it can't be grapes.

17.  Do prison buses have emergency exits?

18.  Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

19.  Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

20.  When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right"?
Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot"?

Sunday funny